Why Me? Why Now?

Do you ever wonder why me? Or how things just happen and you’re feeling why now? Why not last year or next year. That is pretty much how I felt over the last couple of years.

In 2019 I went through a divorce after fourteen years of marriage. Not only that but my three girls were finally graduating from school, getting married, and having babies. This left me with newfound freedom. It was like being in my twenties again. I was free!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls but it was time for mom to have time to herself. It’s been a long time.

Not only did I have time to do things for myself things on my blog picked up adding more income which allowed me to invest in other areas to bring in more revenue.

A friend of mine talked me into going to auctions and selling items on eBay. In no time my income was almost three times what it was.

I was busy all of the time but loved the nonstop lifestyle. I was so busy my girls would message me and tell my grandchildren want to see me. I actually would schedule a time frame promising when I would be home. That was something my kids were not used to. They were always used to mom being home all the time and always available when they needed something.

I even scheduled a vacation with friends for a week in Vegas. That was the first time in years I had a vacation let alone a vacation without my girls.

Then Covid hit. That turned everything upside down as you know. I was furloughed from my full-time job which left me more time for blog work and eBay selling which was fine by me until the auctions were shut down. I was then stuck at home most of the time all alone which was a huge step backward.

I became lonely and joined a group on Facebook for singles. Long story short, I connected with a man whom I have a lot in common with. We spent a few weeks talking and decided to meet. I know we were going through a pandemic and that’s not social distancing but hey I was lonely.

We hit it off right away and he asked me to be his girlfriend within a matter of a couple of weeks. Our relationship was so easy we just fit. It was nothing like I’ve ever had before.

I haven’t always had the best relationships or picked the best guys. It’s been my biggest downfall. I’ve been taken advantage of and abused in quite a bit of my relationships. But, this guy was different. He was amazing from the beginning and someone I’ve never had in my life before.

It was incredible how alike we were in our thinking, our wants, and our plans for our future. It was crazy and so easy to fall in love with him.

We booked a vacation to Vegas with my friends and had the best time. He fit right into my group of friends like it was meant to be.

Even though the world was going through a pandemic I was making money, enjoying life, and in love with an incredible man. Everything was just so wonderful. I was happier than I had been in my adult life, maybe my entire life. Everything seemed to just fall into place. I was truly completely happy!

Everything continued to fall into place till around March. I started not feeling well and wasn’t sure what was going on.

After a visit to the ER in my town, I was diagnosed with cancer. My world was completely turned upside down. I was about to lose everything I had worked so hard for leaving me asking myself why me? Why now? Everything was so wonderful and I was so happy.

Don’t I deserve to be happy?

I asked God that very thing. I was so angry with him for allowing this to happen. I questioned my faith and my feelings. Why now? Why allow me to be happy, enjoy my life, and make plans for a future with a wonderful man just to have it taken away.

It was mentally draining, depressing, and hard to comprehend.

For weeks I worried this man would run because it would be just too much for him to deal with. I felt so alone and my future was hanging by a thread. I had no idea if I would even live through this let alone beat cancer. Sleep became my friend not only for my body but for my mind.

He continued to stick by me through the treatments and even learned how to unhook me from my chemo bags during treatment which is miles out of his comfort range. Instead of running, he was very supportive and caring. He turned out to be one of my best cheerleaders. He brought and still brings happiness to my life when I really needed it.

I decided maybe God brought him to me to help me through this fight. Someone to not only comfort me but someone to keep me heading in the right direction. A reason to push forward. I know I have my family, but having a partner by your side is a big deal. He’s a big deal.

I decided not to question things. To hold on to my faith put my life in God’s hands.

We will see what the future holds.