As I lay in the hospital bed fighting for my life from cancer, I had a lot of time to think about things. What else do you have to do, right?
Image by Gerd Altmann
Because of Covid I spent most of my time in the hospital alone due to restrictions. It wasn’t easy at times but other times it was nice just to snooze without worrying who was in the room. I was only allowed two visitors a day which makes it hard to squeeze everyone in.
My girls didn’t visit because of my grandchildren the little germ carriers that they are. We kept it simple and video chatted every day which was nice but still not the same.
One of the hardest days was Easter. My family gathered at my parents’ house for our typical Easter meal. My girls, husbands, and my grandchildren were all present to celebrate. They had their chocolate bunnies and an amazing feast my mother prepared for them.
Before dinner, my grandchildren hunted Easter eggs like normal. I was able to watch a little bit of the celebration but I was so tired I just couldn’t stay awake.
Before taking a nap it hit me. Did I die?
I didn’t obviously. But, as I was trying to go to sleep I kept thinking this is what it’s like to be gone. Life goes on. Your family continues without you.
Don’t get me wrong, I know life goes on but it was just really weird watching everyone live without me. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I was watching everyone’s life from afar. It was more than just not being there it was like looking from the outside. It’s really hard to explain how I felt. I felt dead.
I can’t be the only one to feel that way. Maybe I am, I guess. You would be surprised what goes through my head. A little anxiety and depression don’t help matters much. You should try living in there.
Have you ever experienced this? Did you ever feel so disconnected you wondered if you were dead?
Drop me a comment. What do you think?